


you're running just to run from me

by lonelyghosts



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, F/F, Homestuck 2: Beyond Canon, Lowercase, Self-Destructive Tendencies, The Homestuck Epilogues, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22902133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelyghosts/pseuds/lonelyghosts
Summary: who are you without the light to throw your whole body against to try and save?
Relationships: Kanaya Maryam/Vriska Serket, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 7
Kudos: 26





	you're running just to run from me

**Author's Note:**

> written while forest fires by lauren aquilina played on repeat. also this is kinda a ventfic about the simultaneous weight of having someone build you up into someone you're not, and also with loving someone relentlessly and in a way that hurts you.

you were made to love the light.

in the old days, it was a girl with spiderweb scars and the prettiest eight blue eyes that anyone ever had. she burned so brightly others looked away from her, but not you. you could never look away from this girl infused with sunlight. 

her fangs were sharp and you loved that about her. she left forest fires in her wake and she burned things down and you loved every sharp edge of her, every sear and insult, every toss of her hair. she was alternia's sun- it burned everyone else, but you could withstand its rays. you could fix vriska serket.

you were never meant to be her moirail, you knew. you thought you knew her better than anyone on alternia, better than aradia, better than tavros, all the people who left her behind and gave up on her. better than terezi, who she never talked about but always went tight-faced at the thought of. you knew you could turn the raging inferno of her heart into the soft warmth of sunlight. it seemed impossible to others, but you were patient. you could fix this natural disaster of a girl.

you thought you'd love her forever. you were going to chase her to the ends of the planet until she loved you back. 

she did not love you back.

at least, not in the way you wanted her too. and what should you have expected? girls like vriska serket don't fall for girls like you. you knew she was bad from the very beginning. you knew she was not hurt by things the way ordinary girls were. she was always dangerous. you just never thought she could ever hurt you.

(you misjudged her from the start. you thought she could not be hurt. you turned vriska serket into an icon, a statue, and all she ever was was a girl, just like you. she hurt just like you did, and every time she lashed out in fear and shame, all her burnt down ashes that she stood in- those were the actions of a girl who had never known how to be kind because no one had ever taught her how. for all your posturings, you never understood vriska serket half as well as you thought you did.)

you nursed your broken heart and you fell for a girl who would love you back. rose lalonde, daughter of wine and science labs and old, sacred grimoires- you could not have looked away, no matter how much you wanted to. she fell, and she broke, and you wanted to fix her- to take all her dark shattered pieces and glue them together until the light of her purple eyes outshone everything in the room.

you chased after her for years. you stroked away the shivers of horrorterrors, flushed the wine and the moonshine and the tequila down the drain until she had nothing left to alchemize, sat by her side until all the spasms of withdrawal faded. you were there for her through every trial and every tribulation, and rose lalonde loved you back in a way you never would have been allowed back on alternia- in ways that went beyond quadrants. you loved her endlessly, sacrificial, and she loved you back.

until she didn't.

this ship is so lonely- everywhere is lonely, without her by your side. you cover your hair and you dress in black and put a rose around your horn as a token, a reminder of her that can't leave you the way she left you. you tell yourself that he must have taken her by force, that she never would have left the life that she built with you. 

it was so good, for so long. you loved her so and she loved you- you _know_ you did. she is- _was_ your wife. she kissed you back and she read you macabre poetry and kissed each of your knuckles and marveled at how you shined in the dark. she called you darling, dearest, love, she found every dark and silly pet name and gave them to you. she cried when she said her vows. she loved you back-

but was she happy?

you don't know anymore. you don't know if you made her happy. you tried, you did- you brought ice and dimmed your skin when her migraines came, brought her breakfast and lunch and dinner in bed when it got too hard for her to leave it. you were there for her.

you tell yourself that dirk strider must have taken her by force even though you know it is not true. no one could make rose lalonde-maryam do something she didn't want to do. she left you, of her own will, and you don't know if she'll ever come back.

you hate that you don't know who you are without her.

all your life you have belonged to the light. to girls who have broken themselves. you were there for them, you soothed them, you loved and were sometimes loved by them. who are you without them? who are you without the light to throw your whole body against to try and save?

you don't know. you don't know. 


End file.
